Archive for the ‘Interviews’ Category

Sometimes, the message is better received when it comes straight from the horse’s mouth. So, I sat down with Sari to have a nice conversation about what attracts women, what turns them off, and how guys can improve their chances.

Sari M, 27

photo by Michael Bauer
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What are the most attractive qualities in a guy?

Self-assured. You can tell the ones that are more concerned about everyone around them than themselves. There’s a difference between being concerned with other people and being concerned about what other people are thinking about you, and you know the guy at the club that stands there like this watching everybody else? Yeah, that’s not a good thing. A smile, people that are actually happy. Nobody is going to be attracted to somebody who is unhappy. An attractive quality is people that can take care of their shit and don’t go about broadcasting all their issues. And then of course, physical fitness. I work really hard to take care of myself, so I expect them to also.
So what if a guy might not be as physically good-looking as other guys?

Personality can outweigh that. Absolutely because you can be the hottest, rock hard guy, but if you’re a jerk, you’re not attractive. The personality makes the attractiveness for women, and guys don’t seem to get that. Guys will look and say, well how did he get her? How did he get that girl?
He must be rich, or he must have a big dick.

And that’s what they say, but that’s not necessarily it. His personality is such that he’s doing something that she wants. Whatever it is, he’s got it.
He has the confidence, the sense of humor.

All the super shy guys I know are not married. It’s hard to see because they’re really nice guys. When I’ve been able to talk to them, we have great conversations and I truly appreciate them, but the fact that I can’t leave them sitting at a table or go to the restroom without them being really uncomfortable, that’s a big factor for me. If he’s not the type of person who can go out and have fun, and she goes out without him, he’s always going to feel like she’s out having fun, and he’s left out, and it’s just going to make things worse. They say, “well, you’re going out, you have to be meeting someone there. Who are you seeing?” Cause they couldn’t possibly imagine going out for fun.
Insecurity is a tough thing to overcome, a guy has to believe that he is quality.  They’re afraid of having someone else come along and steal you.  Speaking of fear, some guys are deathly afraid of approaching.  If a guy was going to approach you, what would be the best way to do it?

I don’t think there’s any cookie cutter way to do it. And even if somebody comes up to you with a cheesy pickup line, if it’s delivered right, I’ll still laugh. Because he’s not afraid to get shot down. And if you do get shot down, don’t go hide in the corner like you were kicked like a little puppy dog. If I wanted a puppy dog I’d get one.
So let’s say you shoot a guy down and he doesn’t do that. He’s fine. And he moves on, starts talking to other people. Would that affect the way you talk to him later on, if he came back and said, “So how are you doing right now?”

Absolutely. Because if I saw him out having fun with other people and that my rejection didn’t affect that, that is a big thing. Seeing how people deal with stress, that’s basically what that is. Seeing how they cope with that, whether they brush it off or whether it’s mortally wounding.
So after a guy starts talking to you, after he’s made the approach, what are some common things that maybe turn you off? Let’s say it starts out good, but what can really fizzle the conversation?

Don’t talk about bad things in your life. Don’t tell me about how your last girlfriend dumped you. Don’t tell me about how you don’t have a job and you’re drinking water because of it. It’s all negative, nobody wants to hear that.
What do you think about guys that give their entire life story right up front?

Save some for later, save some conversation. You lose all the mystery.
It’s like premature ejaculation with the conversation. There’s nothing left to discover about that person.  So let’s say you’re busy, you’re out shopping, you’re reading a book, you’re doing whatever. Would you be pissed if a guy came up and started talking to you?

No, never.
What about flaking? Where you agree to something and then cancel at the last minute, or you say something else came up. Have you ever done that to anybody?

No, if I say I’m going to be there, I’ll be there. If I’m not, it’s because I’m stuck in traffic or something like that.
And then what do you do, do you get ahold of them? Call them or text them?

Oh, yeah, always.
Or if you can’t make it, do you offer to reschedule?

Usually offer to reschedule.
Then you have respect or you’re interested in somebody.

I’m just an adult.
A lot of girls will flake on a guy because she’s not interested.

If you’re not interested, don’t make the plans. But, you know, we could write a whole book on what you expect women to do.
There are plenty of those books out there. But yeah, then what happens is guys will continue, they think well, if this girl keeps making plans with me, she must be interested. So he just keeps trying, and she just flakes and flakes and flakes. So I tell guys, and this probably works for girls, too, that if they flake once and don’t offer to reschedule, then they’re not worth your time.

What if it’s a legitimate flake?
If it’s legitimate then they should tell you.  Then you have the option of being understanding.

So you’re saying that these women just don’t say anything?
Girls will lead a guy on or give them their number when they don’t intend to do anything. Let’s just say I come up to you and you give me your number, but you don’t intend to do anything, or I call you and make plans, but you’re not that interested. So you just go along and you say, “okay, yeah I’ll meet you Saturday at this place.” And then Saturday rolls around and you’re like, “oh, I can’t make it.” Done. And then he’s like, “okay, well, some other time, what about Wednesday,” and she says, “Yeah, yeah, or we’ll see.” She just isn’t interested.

I have to admit sometimes I do do that. There’s been a few guys that have been interested in me, but I’ve been clear with them that that’s not going to happen. But they still try. So they say, “well, maybe we can still hang out as friends,” but they’re still trying. After so many conversations, I’m really not believing that you’re getting this whole friend thing. I’m pretty clear about it though, I’m really up front. But they’re still persistent and that I don’t understand. Thoughts?
Guys are under the impression, in this society, that guys have to do the chasing, they initiate the conversation, they think guys have to be aggressive. They don’t understand the give and take aspect. Another thing is girls are more socially perceptive. You can read body language better than guys can, you can take hints, you can read into things. A lot of guys don’t have that ability. Can’t read body language, can’t tell when girls aren’t interested.

Have you ever been to a club or even done this – a guy walks up to a girl, starts talking to her. She might not even be looking at him. She’s talking to her friends, but she’s nodding her head, acting like she’s listening to the guy, and he’s just talking AT her. They think, “okay, this girl’s definitely into me.” But she’s not. Watch for that next time you go out.

You will see guys approach girls and stay and stay and stay. And the only way a girl can get rid of that guy is to say to her friends, come on, let’s go dance. And they walk away.

I’ve had to leave places before because guys would not get it, they would not stop. And it gets to the point where it’s like, get away from me.
A lot of times a guy can’t tell. The opposite is true, too, a lot of guys can’t tell when a girl is interested. They don’t pick up on these signs. Or they do, but they’re too scared to act on it.

So what’s with these guys that I meet that think I’m gonna fall under their dick or something? Or they’ll call me – and I’ve never gone out with them – but they’ll call me at 2 o’clock in the morning expecting me to come over. The overconfidence thing, how does that happen?
Those guys are playing to the numbers. They’re thinking if I just pitch to all these girls, somebody will say yes.

Those are usually the ones that I meet out in clubs.
Why is it that you meet those guys do you think?

Well, mostly they’re friends of friends, so they already had an in, to talk to me initially, but then when I’m not responsive, they get upset and angry and start sending nasty text messages…
Because you hurt their feelings.

Who gives a fuck?
Those guys are just as insecure as the other guys.

How am I so special that I have the ability to crush them? Who cares? So what, move on to the next.

That’s a good point.  So whether a guy is after a relationship or a hook-up, what are some of the number one ways a guy can kill his chances?

When it becomes an expectation.
You want a guy to do things on his own terms, not because he’s trying to have sex or because whatever.

Because he genuinely wants to.
So a guy buys you dinner, not because he’s trying to have sex, or he gets you flowers, not because he fucked up, but because he genuinely wants to. He wants to be nice. Not because he’s trying to impress you. You see through that shit, right?

Yeah. I have a lot of people who try to buy me things, but I won’t accept them. I have a job, I don’t need you to buy me things.
What do you think of those people, where do you think that’s coming from?

It depends on the person. Some people think that that’s a way to get my attention, to get my affection, and other people just genuinely like to do that. And that’s why I try to be understanding, because I’m like that. For my friends, if I see something that makes me think of you, I’ll get it for you. There’s no expectation there.
It’s the intention.

Yes, I can tell the difference.
What are some reasons you’ve broken up with a guy? Or are you usually the one getting broken up with?

Usually it’s me.
That does the breaking up?

Yes.
You like them initially and then something happens.

Usually they starting getting too whiny or too clingy. When you stop being your own independent person you stop being what was initially attractive. I can’t be your sole source of happiness, that is way too much pressure.

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We ended up taking the conversation a million different places, so this concludes the interview. I would have to say one important takeaway from this is your intention. 99% of the time, a woman can see your true intentions, and if your actions are not congruent with that, they are put off by it. So either a) have no intentions, b) have intentions and be forthcoming about them, or c) figure out where the incongruence is and fix it.